Looking at it, this blog is suppose to be a place where I screwed up songs for fun... However, one of my friends complain to me that I have been lazing too much. The songs are not coming out as fast and furious as it should be and I'm letting that grey mass down. He said that I should blog. This will make the place more lively.
I took his advice and this is the 1st entry...
For the last 6 months, I have been wasting away. I give up every good I have in life, I just eat, drink, smoke, make merry and sleep. I got no more aim in life... I was in a horrendous mess. My hair was unkempt, I had something that look like a goatee but not a goatee. I pile on weight, my muscles waste away. My whole apartment was in a total mess. The kitchen ware turned moldy. Basically, I'm living in a dump. It got so bad that my neighbors thought I had died in my apartment and the police was called in.
My ex colleagues from the force got wind of it and came to my apartment one weekend. They cleared up the whole house, wash the toilets, throw away whatever rubbish I have amassed in that 6 months, while leaving me stoning in the living room, without talking to me.
Every evening, for a week, they came. They bring food, cleared up the mess and dine with me. All the while, never spoke a word to me. Till one day, one of them sit down beside me and said...
"I don't know who you are. You can be anyone I guess. But I do know the owner of this place and I know him well. The owner, was a man, who can laugh at even the worst times and bring things through for everyone, no matter what. He's a man, who don't know how to give up on things that he has aimed for. A commander in the force who rules things by logic, not emotion and also does that in life. The only similarity between you and him is the glasses that you are wearing now. Can you please tell me, if you know where he is? I'm looking for him as I need to let him know that there is someone living in this house without his knowledge."
I looked at him, basically, starring. I don't know what to say as I can't apprehend why he is saying that to me. I just muttered "get lost, don't come near me" and he did go away. I sit down there, feeling miserable, asking myself,why did I say that. Another one of them came and sit down beside me. The words he said, strike me to the core...
"Hey, dumbass. It's time to get moving again. You have rest enough. Look, no matter what you do, she isn't coming back. Face it like a man. You are being a sissy now! You can't let yourself go just because of her... You will be letting your parents down. Think how much they have done to to raise a naughty boy to a man like you? You started from a lowly rank to where you are now and now you are going to be the scum around us? We don't have and we don't need failures in life around and with us! What we want is the old guy whose being codenamed Ghostie back. That codename was given to you and only to you, cause you deserved it. Up to now, we still have not found another one who is able to take over take that codename after you left. You are not alone in this world you know? Cap James says that he misses you. Cap Neo was fidgeting cause you left and no one is able to fill your position. Derrick and the rest look so lonely without you being with them to lead the training. The old Bn Alpha commanders was actually looking towards coming to reservice because of you. The CSM couldn't handle those men without your presence. But, if they know that you are rotting away like that, you will lose all those respect that you have worked so hard to earn. Is that worth it just because a lady left you? Is it worth it that you lost every good in things that you have achieved? Just because of her? You always tell us that you will never allow Emotions to rule your life and Logic is the way. But now, I'm looking at a man who once proudly told me that, being ruled totally by Emotions..."
I was sobbing and sobbing hard. I'm not shy to say that. It has been a long time since I sob. He pat me on the back and continued...
"Everyone, anyone, needs someone to be with them. Even heroes need a time to let emotions flow. Do not hold back anymore. There isn't any need to put on such a front with us. Cause, you are one of our friends and we know you well. Let everything go. Let it out. After that, stand up again and let us hear that famous quote that you always said... What was it again? Hmmm..."
"We shall walk and never fall... If I'm tired, lent me your shoulders. If you are tired, you will have my shoulders. If we are both tired, then let us have each other's shoulder and we shall walk to the end..." I stammered it out, in between sobs...
"That's it! Now it's time you will have our shoulders. Go ahead and cry, be a boy once more but shed manly tears. Make it last for the tears of sorrow. The next time you cry, would be the tears of joy..."
I cried, I know what I have been doing for the last 6 months has been totally unacceptable. I have been running away from it, refusing logic to tell and show me the truth. However, at that point of time, emotional training has gone to waste... I had a good cry and I was wailing... Letting everything out. My sadness, my uselessness, my weakness...
"I didn't know that your choice of words for sentence structuring is so good... You sound like a poet.. But the shoulders thingy is damn gay..." I said after I had recomposed myself...
We had a good laugh and dinner that night was good. Or should I say, a proper dinner. I don't recover from this ordeal from that moment. It does takes time for me to let go of things and I'm still on the road to recovery...
And yea, who said that guys can't shed tears? Au Duhz (Copyrighted!)
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